Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
