I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
