I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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