8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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