If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
