My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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