when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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