The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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