My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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