I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
