Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
