remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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