Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
