checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
