here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Vodka?
Forever.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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