I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
