My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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