I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
