Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
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I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
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They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.