I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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