I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
