i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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