Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
