She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
