A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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