How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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