we're making bets on your personal life
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
