Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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