Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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