im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
