Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
