Old men and throwing up are my life now.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
