oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Randomize
