Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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