how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
