I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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