I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I checked into jail on foursquare
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
