Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
