whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
