if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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