Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
