Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
if only i could text you this smell
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
