my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
