I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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