He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
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Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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