Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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