I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
