I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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