Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
