I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
