There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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