i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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