i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Floor bacon is actually really good
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
