your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
