The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
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and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
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I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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